7 Takeaways from How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen
One of the books I most frequently recommend to parents looking for effective strategies to create a smoother home environment is How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King.
Based on the principles of the widely popular How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, this version specifically focuses on younger children. It’s a game-changer for parents and caregivers aiming to improve communication, reduce power struggles, and foster cooperation within the family.
Packed with practical tools, relatable (and often humorous) examples, and insightful techniques, this book provides scripts and strategies to build stronger, more connected relationships with kids.
For those busy parents who may not have time to read the entire book, here are some of my key takeaways:
1. Acknowledge Feelings
Young children often act out because they feel unheard or misunderstood. One of the most powerful parenting tools is simply validating their emotions. Instead of dismissing or minimizing their feelings, acknowledge them with empathy.
Example: Instead of saying, “You’re fine,” try, “It looks like you’re really upset that your toy broke.”
This helps children feel heard and understood, strengthening trust and emotional connection. You’ll find that meltdowns are shorter-lived when you take the time to get down on your child’s level, connect, and truly acknowledge their experience. While it may take extra patience, it’s worth it in the long run.
2. Engage Cooperation & Encourage Autonomy
Children want to be helpful and thrive when they feel a sense of independence. However, as they develop autonomy, they also test boundaries. Instead of demanding compliance, find creative ways to gain cooperation and allow them to make age-appropriate decisions. This fosters confidence and resilience.
Example: Instead of saying, “It’s time for bed. Go brush your teeth and get your pajamas on,” try, “It’s almost bedtime! Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas first?”
By offering a choice, children still accomplish the necessary tasks but feel a sense of control, reducing resistance and encouraging cooperation.
3. Give Choices
Children want to feel like they have a say in their own lives. Offering two acceptable choices empowers them and reduces power struggles.
Example: Instead of dragging an unwilling child into the doctor’s office, try, “Do you want to walk into the doctor’s office or should we skip?”
This small shift gives kids a sense of control while still ensuring the desired outcome.
4. Encourage Problem-Solving
Rather than immediately providing solutions, involve children in resolving challenges by describing the problem and allowing them to help solve it.
Example: Instead of saying, “Clean up your toys,” try, “Uh-oh, there are toys all over the floor. If someone walks in, they might trip and get hurt. What do you think we can do to fix this?”
This approach fosters problem-solving skills and encourages responsibility.
5. Be Playful
There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to get a child out the door on time or into bed at night when they just want to have fun. Playfulness, humor, and creativity can be powerful tools for gaining cooperation and keeping communication positive.
Example: “Let’s pretend the car is a rocket ship. See if you can get your shoes on and be in the car before I count down from ten to blast off!”
Turning tasks into games makes them more engaging and reduces resistance.
6. Set Limits While Maintaining Connection
Boundaries are essential but should be enforced with warmth and understanding. Instead of simply saying “no,” use positive language to guide behavior, provide education, and offer alternatives.
Example: Instead of saying, “No running in the parking lot!” try, “I know you’re excited to meet up with your friends but there might be cars backing out. We need to walk together and hold hands to stay safe.”
Clear expectations and logical alternatives help maintain cooperation while preserving connection.
7. Replace Punishments with Consequences and Problem-Solving
Discipline should focus on teaching rather than punishing. Instead of using time-outs or punishments, emphasize natural consequences and help children learn from their mistakes. Involve them in brainstorming solutions to foster responsibility and problem-solving skills.
Example: Instead of saying, “You hit your brother, so now you’re going to your room!” try, “I see you’re upset, but hitting hurts. Let’s figure out another way to express your feelings. What can we do differently next time?”
Final Thoughts
At its core, How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen is about fostering meaningful, respectful communication with children. I know it can sometimes feel exhausting mustering up the energy to "be silly" and say things in less than concise ways, but by using these strategies, parents and caregivers can build deeper connections, reduce conflicts, and help kids grow into emotionally intelligent and confident individuals.
This book isn’t just about getting kids to listen—it’s about creating a lifelong relationship based on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.
It also offers practical tools for handling specific challenges such as sibling conflicts, bedtime struggles, picky eating, and public meltdowns. If you’re looking for a guide to more peaceful, cooperative parenting, this book and it's numerous examples is well worth the read.
And if you need help implementing strategies, get in touch!
