Maternal Rage

Last weekend, I attended the Postpartum Support International conference in Washington, DC. By far my favorite presentation of the weekend was the one addressing maternal rage.

And it’s not just because the speaker, Nicole McNelis, and I recently became instant friends. (We were introduced by podcast host Beth Tremell after we’d both guested on her podcast, Things You Learn in Therapy. - *Nicole’s episode on mom rage airs this fall.*)

I loved this talk because the topic was SO relevant to me, both personally and professionally.

I teach clients all the time how to regulate their nervous systems so they can stay calm and present during parenting. But I know it’s not easy to stay grounded every moment of every day. We all have moments where we lose our cool. And sometimes, we rage.

Maternal rage is a common experience in the perinatal period (during pregnancy and postpartum) and is something so many moms face during various moments well into the many phases of parenting.

Last year, Minna Dubin published Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood. I have yet to read the book (it’s next on my list), but am thrilled this topic is gaining traction, as it’s something so many women face, yet something that makes so many of us feel guilty and alone.

I wrote about my own mom meltdown moment recently, and I talk to so many moms who experience guilt and shame following moments of rage.

Maternal Rage Defined

Billotte Verhoff et al., 2023 define maternal rage as, “Uncontrollable episodes of intense anger associated with mothering that are not goal directed and may derive from feelings of powerlessness, injustice, and stress.”

Often in society, motherhood is portrayed as a blissful and blessed experience, and a successful or ideal mother is one who constantly dotes on her children, remaining happy and available at all times.

Any mom knows this is an impossible standard. There will inevitably be moments when our resources are depleted and our patience is tested to a breaking point.

Stages of Maternal Rage

In Nicole’s talk, she described three stages of maternal rage:

Stage 1 - The Trigger: Something triggers the feeling of being on edge. Often, expectations are violated. For example, the expectation that we shouldn’t have to ask 50 times in order for our children to finally pick up the Lego pieces that are scattered all over the floor. Or, mom’s needs are compromised. For instance, the need to use the bathroom alone without a child bursting in with yet another request for a snack.

Stage 2 - Anger Management: Anger is managed through either expression or suppression. Expression typically equals an outburst – screaming, yelling, maybe even slamming doors. Suppression involves directing the anger inwards rather than having an outlet. This results in tension, ruminating about the situation, and often mentally beating oneself up for feeling outraged in the first place.

Stage 3 - The Outcome: The third stage involves experiencing the outcome of the anger. If anger was expressed via an outburst, there may be sadness, guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy as a mother. If the anger was suppressed, resentment builds along with increased pressure to keep it together, only exacerbating feelings of being on edge and enabling moms’ needs to continue being unmet.

AHA Moments on Mom Rage

What I especially loved about this talk was the idea that there are options in terms of expressing versus suppressing anger. Also, the powerful recognition that expressing anger can be a catalyst for change! (Ideally when handled in a nonviolent way, of course.)

I often tell clients, “It’s not a choice to feel a feeling. But we do have a choice in what we do with it.”

So often, after an angry outburst, we beat ourselves up. But if we think of the alternative, suppressing the feeling, our expression becomes more acceptable.

If anger is NOT expressed, if instead it is suppressed, anger builds. Like steam in a pressure cooker. Which is not ideal for anyone. When resentment and anger build, personal and relational harmony become at risk.

Expressing anger can signal a need for support and spark conversations around expectations and needs within a family.

Instead of beating ourselves up for moments of mom rage, we can instead recognize the value in honoring and communicating our needs. And when we let go of shame and guilt, we free ourselves up to invest energy into ways to stay more grounded in order to get ahead of the rage, and in strategies to communicate our needs in the most effective ways possible.

Client A (Literally every mom ever)

Nicole’s talk at the PSI conference was literally “all the rage.” In a packed room (where every single space on the floor and standing room in the back was occupied and doors had to be shut, turning away many others who hoped to attend), we all laughed and commiserated over the very relatable story of “Client A” - A recently postpartum mother of two who is responsible for day-care drop off on her way to work.

The case conceptualization detailed Client A’s building tension as she was running late one morning due to her toddler’s refusal to put on shoes. As the talk attendees discussed the case and brainstormed the triggers, expressions of anger, and outcomes this mom may experience, somebody standing in the back left corner shouted, “PUT ON YOUR F*CKING SHOES,” resulting in an uproar of laughter that rippled through the conference room. We could all relate.

“I’m Client A. Literally every morning trying to get out the door for school, I’m Client A,” I told the colleague next to me. “We’re ALL Client A!” she laughed.

While most of us attended the conference wearing our mental health provider hats, eager to gain new information to help us better support our clients, those of us who were moms in the room also experienced the added bonus of feeling personally validated and surrounded by a room full of other moms who get it.

Motherhood is hard. In an ideal world, we’d navigate every day with nervous systems that are completely regulated. Our children and partners would read our minds in order to anticipate and meet every expectation. We’d never feel our blood begin to boil and instead would dance through every encounter like Mary Poppins with a smile and a song. (On that note, let’s remember, Mary Poppins was the nanny, not the mother. Of course she had more bandwidth to be fun!)

But that’s not our reality. So instead we can focus on doing the best we can to identify and effectively communicate our needs, to develop strategies to regulate our nervous systems, and to give ourselves grace when we do encounter moments of rage.

Moments of maternal rage do not make you a bad mom. They may you human.

If you need help with the concepts above, get in touch! I have several options for getting you support in these exact endeavors.

Maternal Rage

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